Lessons Learned
by dreamstyler
Summary: This story occurs just after Spock leaves the bridge after trying to kill Kirk until he makes his return back to the bridge and meets with Nyota. There is a lot of angst for Spock. Romance between Spock and Nyota.
1. Failure must be accepted

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything of Star Trek, Paramount, or Viacom. I am only referencing the Star Trek 2009 movie and the accompanying audio book for the purpose of this fanfic and showing my appreciation for it. Gene Roddenberry, J. J. Abrams and all involved are geniuses. I love these characters.**

**A/N: Thanks to all who read my other stories. Here is another that was bursting to get out of me. It is pretty long so I broke it up into two chapters. This story is to help put me in "Spock mode" for my other story.**

**Again, I am lifting quotes from the movie.**

**This story begins just after, Spock leaves the bridge after nearly choking Kirk to death and ends before he returns to the bridge again. **

**Pardon me in advance for any grammatical errors or misspelling. If it gets to be a problem, I will employ the services of a beta reader. If anyone would like to volunteer, let me know.**

**Lessons Learned**

**Failure Must be Accepted**

"_Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently."_

Henry Ford

* * *

Spock had failed. He tried to kill. Unbecoming of an officer and a Vulcan.

He could not will himself to cry but from the genetic soup that was his makeup he was capable of killing.

He had lost command of the _U.S.S. Enterprise_ to a humiliatingly successful coup. How had James Tiberius Kirk, a cadet, beamed himself and a stranger onto a ship going at warp speed and had known to press him, mercilessly about his mother to have driven him almost to homicide? Thus causing him to be emotionally compromised where he had to resign as Captain, under Starfleet regulation 619. He could almost surmise that the slightly younger Terran, had the ability to read his thoughts. "_Impossible! Some unknown variable must account for these perplexities."_ His eyebrows knitted into a frown of confusion.

He was indeed compromised. He could have easily subdued Kirk and swiftly broken his neck. He was much stronger and faster than him. But he had had the need to work out some of his then unfettered rage. It had been a slow burn as Kirk had been intentionally evasive, before the attack. Setting a match that had lit the fuse. Only the cool, calmness of Sarek, his father, had cut through the heat of his determination to end Kirk's life. Hearing his name from Sarek, at that moment, was like being mentally seized at the scruff of the neck as if he had been a spoiled child. He had to then relinquish his hold from around the neck of the human and then the command of the ship. All eyes but the ones he shared a genetic marking, had followed him, with shock and disbelief, when he had exited the bridge, leaving no one as his replacement.

When he left the turbolift, his normally erect posture was now bowed with shame and his graceful, military stride was now noticeably labored as he walked to sickbay. A small comfort was that he was going there to take his required psychological examination without being sedated or under armed duress.

As he walked the halls, the crew buzzed around him, at their duties, oblivious to what had transpired. In only mere moments his fate and theirs had changed. They were to leave the safety in numbers by joining up with the fleet in the Laurendrian sector, Captain Pike's last standing order, to what may be certain death against the vastly superiority of Nero's ship, Narada. Occasionally, a crewmember would stand to attention as he passed. He would give acknowledgement with a nod but with his eyes turned away. Some seemed puzzled, seeing Spock somewhat disheveled with telltale stains on the sleeve of his right arm of his blue tunic.

All activity had stopped when there was a whistle announcing a message on the shipwide comm system. "Attention crew of the _Enterprise_." The voice was Kirk's. Spock felt every sinew of his body tighten with every nerve still raw. "This is James T. Kirk. "Captain Spock has resigned his commission, advancing me to acting Captain." Kirk then had ended the announcement by telling the crew that their mission was to intercept Nero and that all departments were to be readied for battle stations. The whistle sounded again to signal the end of the transmission.

Fellow shipmates in Spock's line of sight reflected on their faces looks of astonishment that he could not. His face only, remained stoic. Those who knew of his presence among them glanced at him sheepishly and scurried away in embarrassment. Their collective fear was palatable around him. He could not and was not able to offer comfort or explanation.

His erroneous behavior, if not yet known to all on the ship, will draw undue attention to himself as a Vulcan. The Vulcan refugees onboard, but one, will disclaim him as one whose actions were disadvantagely 'human'. And there was one human that he hoped her love he had not lost.

Spock quickened his pace to the sickbay. When he entered, all inside, alien, human or humanoid, froze in their place when seeing him. He silently moved to Dr. McCoy's consultation office. Due to reduced medical staff resulting from the Battle of Vulcan and no one else with the sufficient qualifications available, his evaluation was to be performed by Dr. McCoy, the most senior medical officer. In McCoy's office, he assessed the hand that had delivered crushing blows to the former cadet. It throbbed slightly but no skin was broken. Yet he was sickened that he drew blood that was not his own. This was not the Vulcan way as dictated by Surak's principles. He took a mediwipe to his hand and then sat down quietly, to steel himself in meditation before Leonard McCoy's arrival.

In the short time he had known McCoy, he felt that a mind meld on the doctor would be unnecessary because the man basically blurts out everything on his mind. All being very abrasive. Not that Spock would willingly be the one to perform it.

The medicinal smell of the office was not conducive to his meditation. It was disturbing his senses. The color of the walls, gray and depressing, clearly could have contributed to the constant irritability of the doctor. The room was spartan. No pictures, no decorations of any kind but what was medically required and issued by Starfleet and there was a slight, stale, lingering smell of an intoxicant. All he could do or had time for was to close his eyes and open his mind to transient mediation.

_There was no formulate data on trans warp beaming. Only speculative data currently exists. There have been develop-._

Without the usual pleasantries or small talk, McCoy blew into the room, breaking Spock out of his meditative state. As if no time had passed since his last heated conversation with the doctor, when he had said a stallion must first be broken in response to McCoy referring to Kirk as Spock's best stallion and should not have been expelled from the ship, the doctor spoke.

"Instead of breaking the stallion, it appears that it threw you and bit your ass on your way down." There seem to be a slight smirk of satisfaction on the doctor's face, as he sat down behind his desk, retrieved his PADD from inside a drawer and punched in his security code.

McCoy had burrowed deeper. "I suppose an 'I told you so' would be wasted on you."

Spock was in no mood to trade verbal jabs with the doctor so he continued in residence behind his Vulcan bastion.

He was relieved that McCoy's lack of patience soon had him tire of the badgering when he found Spock unresponsive.

"Before we begin your RPE _(Required Psychological Examination)_, would you be more comfortable with a Vulcan representative present?

"That will not be necessary, Dr. McCoy. Other than fulfilling the requirement of Starfleet regulation 619, the mental processes of a Vulcan are private.

McCoy put him through a battery of questions to test his mental state.

"What was your relationship with your mother...uhhh... I'll skip that one.

The gaffe was not completely unintentional. The doctor was looking for a foible, a kink in Spock's armor. Seeing none in him, McCoy moved on.

McCoy had found his Vulcan mind as puzzling as his Vulcan anatomy. Each progressive question soon resulted in McCoy's eyes glazing over. "Dammit, Spock, I'm a doctor not a damn Vulcan." He made no attempt to hide his exasperation as he continued. "Since I can't understand a goddamn thing you're talking about, I am assuming that _that _Vulcan mind of yours is back to normal." We're done here." He took a stylus and signed his digital signature to the RPE, pushed the PADD over to Spock and handed the stylus to Spock for him to do the same.

Spock quickly scanned the report and signed it. He could not relay to the doctor that he continued to struggle with the duality of his mental state. It was peculiar to him that he felt like he was in two separate places in two completely separate pieces. To center himself he resumed to postulate mentally.

_Light from distant stars may take thousands even millions of years to reach the eye of the one that beholds it._

_Light moves independently from its source. For trans warp beaming, there must be some catalyst that propels light electromagnetically with the source matter, as done with transport beaming but at a faster rate than the moving destination. Then holds it in suspension until that destination reaches it._

He walked the halls again, unable to settle in one spot yet to meditate fully. The cool, bright, blue light of the daytime simulator lights of the halls of the _Enterprise_ were softening gradually to a warm evening glow. The dim lighting was now matching his mood.

_Careful calculation must be made to anticipate where these...._

His mind had broken off from his current train of thought to ponder a question that before the events of the previous day would have been out of scientific curiosity but now it was to torture himself.

_Would this advance beaming have saved a person in freefall towards a planet imploding into a black hole?_


	2. The Cleansing

**The Cleansing**

Spock's father had found him alone in the transporter room looking down at the space on the pad left vacant by his mother.

"Speak your mind, Spock."

"That would be unwise."

He was not able to look at his father and kept up his vigil. His back was to him not out of disrespect but not wanting his father to disapprove of him for showing any weakness.

"What is neccessary, is never unwise."

"I am as conflicted as I once was as a child."

"You will always be a child of two worlds. I am grateful for this. And for you." Warmth was emanating from Sarek's voice as he spoke.

Spock now looked onto his father with a gaze decidedly human. It revealed his pain and his indecision but also his disbelief.

His father had slipped away from logic to comfort him. Figuratively, Spock was of two worlds but now he literally only belonged to one. He realized that his father too was experiencing the lost of not only his wife and bondmate but also the lost of his homeworld. Sarek was Spock's last link to Vulcan and Earth was his last link to his mother.

"I feel anger for the one that took mother's life. An anger I cannot control."

Channeling though words that would have been from his mother, it was the first time his father had spoken to him as a human would speak to their son.

"I believe she would say do not try to."

"You asked me once why I married your mother. I married her because I loved her."

Hearing these words from Sarek made Spock swallow hard the lump in his throat.

Love, to his father was not an abstract concept, he had led Spock to believe. Sarek would never be able to -- if they had ever passed his lips before -- say those words to his mother and now, neither would he.

***

The talk with his father had a positive effect on him. It helped to quell his gnawing anger. Spock was now in need of deep and complete meditation. He needed solitude. His quarters was out of the question. He was sharing it with his father. All other crewmembers had gladly volunteered their own quarters, to double-up, even triple-up.

If it was not for the serious reasons for humans and vulcans to be thrown together, he would have been amused.

He otherwise sighed. He was missing his Nyota, if she was still his. He had shielded his mind from her so she would not feel the full extent of his pain, his anger and his shame. He wanted no pain to reach that beautiful mind of hers, his jewel. And her heart to him was too priceless to measure. He hoped that she was not feeling that he had blamed her in any way or that he was rejecting her. After he meditated he hoped he could open his mind to her once more.

Thinking of her was calming. She brought out that response in him even when she would tease him or try to unsettle him. He longed for her and for those quiet moments they alone would share. He lingered on the feeling of her lips on his in the turbolift and holding her safe against him. It had been a long while, before that, since he was able to touch her. A kiss was not enough. His fingers and other highly sensitized projections from his body were in need to be satisfied. To be able to feel her with his mind as well as his body. He had grown tired of hiding his feelings for her from others.

***

There was only one place available for him to meditate, undisturbed. He went to his quarters to gather the necessary items for his meditation: loose clothing to meditate in; his firepot; and his incense.

He punched in the sequence of security codes that would allow him access to the Stellar Observation deck of the _Enterprise_. This area was at the very apex of the ship and only made available to officers high in the chain of command and those with high-level scientific credentials. He qualified on both counts.

Once inside and locking the door behind him, he pressed on the control console for the preference settings of the room. He elevated the temperature and desensitized the smoke olfactory sensors so that his incense will be barely perceptible to its readings. Also he sent a comm-mail to Nyota's comm unit that he was fine so she should not be worried if she was not able to reach him.

He hurried himself. He did not have that much time before all the crew would be ready for battle and this area would become off-limits.

"Computer, alert me when we reach the destination of the star cluster Ursa Major." "Affirmative, Commander Spock," the ship responded with an automated but feminine voice in Standard.

80 light years from Earth* will give him enough time to prepare before the _Enterprise_ would reach the Sol system. He had calculated the time, the warp speed by the over-taxed engines due to the current over capacity of 10,000 life forms as additional drain on resources.

"_A drain on resources."_ It made him flinch that his people, proud, highly-evolved and self-sufficient were reduced to this.

The room was warming satisfactorily for him to strip out of his uniform. In his nakedness he stretched and savored the freedom of being relieved of the responsibility that came with the uniform. He put on the loose clothing he had brought with him.

He climbed up to the main elevated deck of the room. It was approximately five meters in width. He tapped on another console to open the inner panels of the dome above him. With a sound barely audible above a whisper, they pulled back displaying the stars in all their glory. The iridium** glass dome allowed all infrared light to shine through causing even the most weakest star he could see with his naked eyes to blaze brightly. Most stars where going by too fast at the warp the ship was traveling, so he only focused on the larger ones.

On a flat raised surface, he placed his firepot down and lit the incense.

The smoke wafted about his head and he took in a lungful of its scent. He recognized the smell as some of the now extinct indigenous herbs from his homeworld. It was the incense his mother had sent him. At this recollection, his vulcan, no correction, his human resolve was now crumbling. He was now ready to grief.

As if the gravity of the room increased, Spock fell to his knees. His back then bent over from the sorrow he carried. "Mother!" He had called out her name weakly. His body convulsed causing him to curl up into a fetal position. He had to let her go or his vulcan mind will literally will himself to death.

His internal clock could not tell him how long he had stayed in that position but the enormity of it all finally released him to allow him roll over onto his back. He looked up at the stars.

His thoughts deepen.

"_The Vulcan's superior capacity for memory can also be a disadvantage, if the Vulcan also possesses human frailties."_

'_Disadvantaged....frailties..."_

His failures stood out in his mind to present themselves. He summed them up so they could finally be discarded.

"_To keep control of oneself and one's crew."_

The words reverberated through his mind.

Spock had not heeded his own words. Words that he had berated Kirk for at the Starfleet Academy Board's hearing of Kirk's possible cheating on the Kobayashi Maru simulation test, just days before.

His actions had displayed arrogance as he had stood at that podium as he had taunted Kirk on the death his father. Now they both shared a death of one's parent at the hands of a similar adversary.

How could he have blamed Kirk for using the same device he had done, as a vehicle to gain control of the ship?

He will have to return to the bridge to offer his assistance. Show his support. Quell any opposition.

Kirk is right, though foolhardy and could possibly result in the final extinction of the remainder of his race. Vulcans would not be safe until this Romulan, Nero, was dealt with. Since the chances of their success were slim, when he is done with his meditation, he will have Nyota send a communique off to the Academy Board at Starfleet to withdraw his complaint against Kirk for cheating. He would not want Kirk to die with dishonor.

He also hoped that Kirk and RPE report will expunge his own record.

"_Ohhhh! Nyota!"_ She had seen a precursor of his nature and its possible results. He had seen the frightened look in her eyes after he has attacked Kirk. It shamed him.

"K'diwa!" He had called out to her even though he had not opened up the link between them. He was afraid, although, that was illogical, that their telepathic core of communications had been permanently dissolved. She would not want him. And would he let his responsibility to own his race also tear them apart.

But she had looked in his eyes searchingly before he had left the bridge. An empathy, he as never before seen directed at him. It was something he must learn to emulate as well as feel. She was projecting her feelings in a human way, the only other way she was able to reach him. This would give him reason to hope.

He must now do everything he could to make sure that the woman that he loves, his father, his people as well as the Captain and the crew of the _Enterprise_ would _cheat_ death. Even if meant giving up his own.

Feeling cleansed, he closed his eyes.

-------------------

* I have no idea how far Vulcan is from Earth, so I am taking liberties here.

** Iridium, I learned is one of the most common elements in the universe. I thought I would make the comparison to sand as sand is used to make glass.

**A/N: I am sort of a pseudo-nerd, so from time to time I will try to put in some science. I am ignorant of technical jargon, though.**

**I am nearly finished with my third chapter for **_**Those Who Would Be Among the Stars**_**. It is getting long thought. There are funny bits in that one.**


	3. Motivation

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything of Star Trek, Paramount, or Viacom. I am only referencing the Star Trek 2009 movie and the accompanying audio book for the purpose of this fanfic and showing my appreciation for it.**

**I pulled some dialogue from the movie but most of the dialogue is my own. **

**A/N: This is the continuation of the inner workings of our favorite Vulcan. Pardon, half-Vulcan. He is back in full force after meditating. **

**I had extended this fanfic to where Spock meets with Nyota before he is to go on the mission upon the Narada. There is a lot of Spock with some Nyota. Other characters are represented.**

**I have not abandoned my other story. I was having so much fun with this one. I had made a promise not to rush it. Take my time to get it how I like it. I was hoping to have had this published before Valentine's Day. But wasn't able to.**

**Romance and Angst with some humor. **

**I am not sure if this is should be a "T" rating or an "M". I tried to be suggestive but not explicit.**

**I am hopelessly romantic. I made my Spock that way too. Enjoy!**

**Please show appreciation by reading and reviewing. I will be sad, if you do not.**

**Motivation**

The incense smoke from the fire pot was dying. It's aromatic embers gave up the last of its metaphysical properties of herbs and spices, as it rose intermittently from the pot's rim until it ceased. Once dissipated, the air in the Stellar Observation deck would return to the filtered, scentless air from the climate systems of the _Enterprise_.

Spock could feel his core temperature also cooling, as it often did after his meditations. This fluctuation was the added benefit of meditation—cooling the Vulcan physiology from what was the torrid climate of his now defunct home world.

He pulled himself up from lying on his back into a cross-legged, sitting position. After he was upright, he, ceremoniously, smoothed down his hair with both hands and straightened out the loose-fitting t-shirt, he was wearing.

His inner clock was also functioning optimally. He already knew when the ship's computer would announce the _Enterprise_ was passing Ursa Major—having calculated down to the millisecond when it would. Until then, he would linger in his self-imposed isolation.

Other than being physically restored, Spock had changed. The analogy was like he had been resetted but to a newly defined default. Outwardly to those who were not keenly perceptible, he may appear the same but internally, he was now grappling with how recent events had affected him. Losing his mother and his planet had torn at his resolve and Nyota's love had built it back up. It had made him more of a man, whether it was as a Vulcan or as a Human than any of his previous experiences. Not the _kahs-wan_ maturity trials, the constant bullying as a child or even the dissolution of his bond with T'pring affected him as much.

In the state of mediation, Spock was still, as that of a stone buddha from Earth's eastern theology. His face appeared calm. And though his mind was now serene, it was not inactive.

Countless scenarios played out in his mind on solutions to the Nero problem.

_It was his observation that the Narada's size hampered its ability to outmaneuver smaller, faster ships._

_The repeat fire of the phaser bursts of the Enterprise must be calibrated to a higher response time in defense against the Narada's burst torpedoes. _

_No other weaponry is known other than the cessation of transporter abilities and the interruption of long-range communications during the operations of their drill and the devastating efficiency of a Black Hole device._

A chill ran up the entire length of his spine. It was most probable that he would see a repeat occurrence of its power.

_It has been determined that the Narada and its crew have been in this universe time for twenty-five years, from the information relayed by Kirk. What is the source of the ship's propulsion power? Lithium? Dilitium? Has it been retrofitted to run on existing energies, known to us? If so, it can eventually be exhausted unless its source of power is renewable._

_To avoid detection by the Narada, the Enterprise's signature must not leave a void in the radio wave, x-ray or infrared stellar emissions that they will be monitoring._

He would have to relay his stratagems to the tactical team. He could surmise that they would come to much of the same conclusions.

It was Spock's opinion that working collectively, each team member brought strengths to the table that will allow them to formulate a cohesive plan.

From the Kobayashi Maru incident, Spock had seen in Kirk's academic records that he was a tactical genius. Personally, he could add Kirk's unpredictability to the list. But Spock was still undecided as to whether this was an asset or a liability.

Aside from his cantankerous nature, McCoy knew ways to use an opponent's biology to our advance and to alleviate the possible stresses on our own. Though, sometimes the doctor's very presence was a source for much of this stress.

Sulu's strength was as a master multitasker. Astrosciences, Navigation, Security. Though, he had had a rough start by not releasing the external dampener before the _Enterprise_ could go into warp, the delay had prevented their destruction with the rest of the fleet in the Battle of Vulcan. Thus redeemed himself.

Nyota's diligence and cognitive agility is unequaled. At a lighting-fast pace, she is able to correctly decipher many complex situations. He can attest to this ability, having witnessed it and relying on it himself.

Being controlled in his own emotions, Spock could never match Chekov's exuberance at how he attacks calculations and Theoretical Physics.

And, if the man that accompanied Kirk back onto the _Enterprise_ was the owner of the Transwarp beaming technology, he would prove to be an invaluable addition to the team. If he was not aptly employed, it would be logical to do so.

In every encounter with the Romulans, it would require Spock's necessary involvement, whether solo or as part of the away team. Much to his dismay. And to Nyota's when she has been enlightened to the actualities.

Nyota was always a constant in his mind.

He was not capable of dreaming of her. Being able to see her with him in a future that time was no longer a menace, as it was now. To occupy one's mind in dreaming was a Human trait. It was illogical to postulate on idle meanderings. Vulcans do not dream. There was no equivalent in the Vulcan vernacular for the word.

The primal desires for his mate _was_ definable even in his highly-evolved, partially Vulcan brain. But his need for her, to be with her, evolved into...love.

All, already applied thoughts, memories and sensations derived from being with her, were partitioned off in a special place, a temple, in his mind, as if it were a _katra_ of devotion just to her. He could often summon it. As he did now.

_Lying awake in his bed, in his quarters on campus, he felt her cool arm lay across his chest. She knew he was awake. He had, unsuccessfully, tried not to disturb her when he had slowly slipped back into bed beside her. She laid her head onto his chest. _

_Sleepily, she murmured, Mmm. I dreamed of you." _

"_What did you dream, Nyota?"_

"_You had a box. You wouldn't let me see inside, until I pressed you. The box was small. Made of wood. I think it may have been inlaid with stones. I can't remember." _

_She cleared her throat._

"_To make a long story short...umm I mean, to get to the point, you opened it. Rising out of it, was a star. It was dim at first but its flickering brilliance increased. As we admired it, you proceeded to tell me of its mass, age and chemical composition. Then being the instructor that you are, you continued to tell me that it shines due to thermonuclear fusion. I asked you, "Do you ever look at the stars, just to look at them?" Before I had gotten your answer, I woke up."_

_He was puzzled. "How can a star be con-". Nyota placed her index finger to his lips then replaced it with a kiss. "Shhh, Spock. It's just a dream. It could mean something or nothing at all. That's what dreams are."_

_He abandoned further need for explanation. _

_There was the soft sensation of the flutter of her eyelashes against his chest and her mouth pulled up into a smile. "Even in my dream and as you are now, you can't avoid being your 'Spockiness', she said as her hand stroked the taut muscles of his abdomen and swept up to the soft expanse of hair on his chest. He pulled her closer._

_All this and the coolness of her, he would never experience with a Vulcan woman._

_He wondered, if initially, a non-hybridized Vulcan male may find the touch of a Human female shocking, even off-putting. Spock was evidence that apparently a Vulcan man could become accustomed to the feeling. Perhaps, because of the conditioning from his mother, he preferred the touch of a Human woman. One that he felt a bond, even if it was not yet or ever would be sanctioned by Vulcan ritual and its dictates. _

_His mother's touch, though overly demonstrative at times, was loving, encouraging and comforting. The touch shared with his ashayam was also deep and loving but was also filled with desire._

_He had not felt the same from the bond he had had with T'pring. It had left him wanting. He hid this need from her. Maybe she had sensed it. Believing he was already tainted from alien touch._

Shrugging off the vexing thoughts of T'pring, he returned to more pleasant ones.

_Nyota yawned and was still slightly groggy from sleep so this was the time they enjoyed being more physical. _

_In the dark before dawn, Spock probed for her, taking her hand to touch his fingers to hers. With his other hand, he could feel that the telepathic, sensory link caused chill bumps to rise from her skin. Protectively, he enveloped her into the warmth of his arms and lifted the bed linens over them. Nyota nuzzled into him and reciprocated by placing a trail of chaste kisses to his chin, his cheek, and his eyelids. When she had gotten to his ear, he planted a bite to the upper part of her arm. "Ahhh!" Her gasp caused him to prrr with arousal. She licked the outer edge and the tip of his ear to make him shiver. To further arouse him, she whispered softly a few suggestive words of Vulcan. Her breath was warm and it tickled in his sensitive ear. His heartbeat quickened._

_She knew, intimately, all his erogenous zones and how to play with them to both their mutual satisfaction._

_Though he could not see them, he could feel that Nyota's lips were swollen with anticipation when he placed his lips to them. Their kiss was at first searching then it deepened. She was not shy in where she touched him to prompt his body into readiness. "Ohhh, Nyota," he had managed to say, breathlessly when their lips parted. She moaned. His tongue, his lips, now dumb to speech were made more useful in his exploration of her, by seeking out the supple areas of her body._

_Feeling the need for more completeness, he could not help his hand from desiring to touch her through her mind. Tenderly and slowly and pushing her hair aside, he positioned his fingers to her psi points. Receptive to him, she relaxed her head back onto the pillow. He entered her thoughts._

"_I'm yours, Spock." She guided her own thoughts to blend with his._

_He mentally spoke to her— a composition of his own words gleaned from Earth's literature. _

"_As you lie beside me, K'diwa, darkness cannot covet your beauty from me until the light of day again caresses your face_

_Though my eyes must be denied their pleasure_

_It is not just my eyes that seeks it_

_Sweet is the music of your breathing to my ears as you sleep_

_Your hair, your skin, scented as a bouquet, teases me even in my sleep_

_I want for the taste of your lips' intoxication_

_Disobedient to the laws of Physics, my body burns hotter from the cool touch of your body against mine _

_Their thoughts were consensual. And now soon, their bodies, where in the fading darkness, they were neither perceived as a Vulcan or a Human, but just a man and a woman._

_She opened her body to him and he joined with her. His Vulcan strength was a juxtaposition to the tenderness of his lovemaking. His hips and back rose and fell at an ever increasing pace. She kneaded his back, pleading for more. Ever the epitome of efficiency, Spock obliged to her desires, leaving her satisfied and himself, sublimely complete._

_As she laid in his arms, on her belly and a leg flung over his, he had recalled that she had teased him before, calling their copulation, "sweet, devilish, 'alien love'". He was able to conjure up a rare, contented smile, then planted a kiss to her forehead._

Reluctantly, Spock had gotten up, slipped out of his meditation clothing and back into his full Starfleet uniform. When he stood in front of the main console for the room, he let his hand hover parallel to its panel. In mere seconds, the computer conveyed its information.

"Commander Spock, the coordinate points requested, indicate arrival at Ursa Major star cluster in the NQ2 quadrant."

He pressed onto the touchscreen to respond, "Understood."

-----

Spock had kept to his word. He had sent a carefully crafted communication to the Academy board at Starfleet, to drop the charges against Kirk. He had sent it encrypted through the main Comm mail via Nyota with a facsimile also sent to Captain Kirk. He waited for respondence from all interested parties.

-----

The bridge was abuzz with the comings and goings of personnel entering and leaving the turbolift, so much in fact, that the assembled tactical team, huddled in front of one of the many bridge's touchscreens, was not aware of the significance of one new arrival. Spock's eyes, quickly circumnavigated the entire scope of its operations. Other touchscreens were filled with equations, graphs, and analytical scribblings, scrolling up and down along the entire length of their panels.

He was optimistic, once he saw that all the members of the tactical team, he felt were necessary to the possible success of the mission, were present and were engaged in a lively debate.

McCoy, being his usual self, was questioning the legitimacy of Chekov's exposition by pointing out the youth's age.

Remaining just outside of the turbolift, Spock chimed in, "Doctor, Mr. Chekov is correct. He continued to speak, subsequently, since his presence was acknowledged with surprise and then with their full attention. He was rewarded with a smile on the face of Nyota, when she saw it was him. She moved slightly forward to greet him but caught herself. "I can confirm his telemetry*." He stepped down a few steps and up a few, to position himself in front of them. "If Mr. Sulu is able to maneuver us into position, I can beam aboard Nero's ship, steal back the Black Hole device, and if possible, bring back Captain Pike.

In his capacity as captain, it was Kirk that was first to address him.

"I won't allow you to do that, Mister Spock."

Spock continued to qualify his logic. "Romulans and Vulcans share a common ancestry. Our cultural similarities will make it easier for me to access the ship's computer to locate the device.

"Also my mother was human which makes Earth the only home, I have left."

It may not have escaped anyone's' notice that when Spock had spoken the word 'home', he emphasized its meaning to himself by looking squarely at Nyota, unbeknownst to anyone else but her that she was his _k'diwa_.

With an air of authority that had replaced the awkward posturing of a cadet, Kirk walked up to him, and with merely a half a meter separating them, added, "Then, I'm coming with you."

"I could cite regulation but I know _you_ will simply ignore it."

Kirk grinned.

What had transpired between them enabled an acceptance of either's qualities and maybe in time this acceptance may grow into a trusted friendship.

But now, Kirk, whether unknown to him or that he was not intimated by the Vulcan's necessity, not be touched, slapped Spock soundly on his upper arm after he had said, "See, we are getting to know each other."

Spock, somewhat amused but also a little perturbed, turned his head in the direction Kirk had gone and thought to himself. "_Maybe I could strangle him just a little bit when he is this full of himself." _

-----

Sulu, Chekov and himself worked on the mechanics of the initial velocity needed to have the Enterprise rise from the inertia of the gravitational forces of Titan and Saturn.

Chekov, obviously impressed by being in the presence of an actual Vulcan, timidly queried Spock, "Commander, do you find my calculation to be correct?" "I observe no miscalculations in your figures, Ensign Chekov." Chekov beamed with pride at the approval and the assurances from someone was also 'gifted'.

The man, now identified to Spock as Scotty, had left the bridge to acquaint himself to the transporter and to enter into it, the angle of trajectory data essential to beaming around the large masses of Saturn and its moons. Before he left he had made some strange reference that Spock did not understand, to working it like some part of a woman's anatomy. Fortunately, his comments were made out of the earshot of Nyota.

With the skill of a surgeon, He had observed that Nyota had deftly opened the communications unit to expose a matrix of circuitry. Her objective was to cloak the communications systems onboard the _Enterprise_ to outside monitoring except for possible distress signals, if that time may come.

He needed her alone. She was finishing up reassembling the unit, when he walked over to her. "Lieutenant, I need to speak with you." He could sense her apprehension. He had also noticed that she had been uncharacteristically quiet and kept only to her work when he from time to time tried to maintain eye contact with her.

"Come with me," he commanded."

"Affirmative, Commander," She spoke coolly as she followed behind him as he walked over to Kirk.

Kirk was at work as a facilitator, calling several departments on the ship for status reports and navigating the various stations on the bridge to observe their progress when Spock queried for his attention.

"Captain, would you excuse Lieutenant Uhura and me from the bridge? I need to enlist her aid in assisting me with sensitizing our translators to be able to decipher the language patterns of these Romulan enemy combatants from the future."

"Mr. Sulu, what is our ETA for Titan?" Kirk again issued a slap on the back, but this time Sulu was the recipient. "Sir, we should be arriving at Titan at 15:00," he said, though Spock could easily see that Sulu winced and was slightly smarted from the contact.

The captain looked at Spock and then at Nyota. "Permission granted. But I need you two back as soon as you can. You have about ninety minutes. I suppose, you, Spock can calculate it down to the exact second," he finished with a smirk then went back to his reports.

Spock had been truthful with the captain in needing Nyota's help for this vital task but that was not his primary motivation. The intensity in his eyes could not be misdirected from anywhere else but at her face as she entered the lift.

As soon as the turbolift doors closed, her face changed, as he had expected. The corners of her mouth had drawn downward into a distinctive frown.

Still cautious of being overheard even in the confines of the turbolift, he spoke to her in her thoughts, "K'diwa, it is imperative that you know that I could never willfully hurt _you_?" He, this time, was the one that had pressed the stop button for the turbolift. Its whooshing sound quieted its interference to their auditory stimuli.

She gazed up at him, looking hurt and forcefully posed a question at him, mentally, "Do you think that the incident with Kirk would influence my decision? I know physically you could not hurt me. But emotionally, you could."

"_But emotionally, you could,"_ her response had burned in his mind.

She did not wait for his response. Her thoughts were not to be contained. She spoke out verbally.

"I was happy that you had returned to the bridge. Happy that you're back to being yourself. I was happy that..." She was unable to finished because her voice began to crack. She was swallowing hard to push back the tears and waving her hands over her eyes to restrain what had escaped. She had restarted the turbolift. Other than the noise of its machinery, there was an uncomfortable silence between them as they both stared at the lift doors.

If he could carry the burden of uncontrollable emotions, at this moment, he wished he could carry hers. All the worry, fear and loss was plaqueing her now. She was too close to the precipice for him to press the matter until they were truly alone.

In the clumsy, early days of their relationship, it was Nyota that was more daring in not wanting to give up on them. But now she was fleeing from him.

They exited the turbolift on Level 4/stern toward the equipment deployment room.

It was painful to see her feigned interest in the jokes of Lieutenant Junior Grade, Banar, as they signed out two translators.

He lead her back to his quarters, pressed the code panel to enter. "Father?" He searched his rooms to see if Sarek was inside, and maybe at his mediation. Relieved to finding his quarters empty, he spoke to Nyota, who was standing just outside of the threshold. "My father must be meeting with the Vulcan elders. Please enter, Nyota."

When she made her way inside, his hand shook as he inputted the locking code to his quarters. He could feel the tightening in the pit of his stomach.

"Speak your mind, my K'diwa," he requested as he took his translator and hers and placed them on a nearby surface. He stood in front of her and gently caressed her upper arms.

In her struggles, he could see that she had to check herself, emotionally, because their possible last moments were clocking down by the minute.

Her face was solemn as she released her concerns, "I know that as officers in active duty, there is the possibility that one or both of us may not return. But, Spock. Ashayam, I fear that you are too personally involved. I know that you are not into heroics like Kirk, but this involvement might hamper your judgment at a critical moment."

Though she tried persuade him with alternative and sound logic, his mind was set. Especially when it pertains to duty, responsibility and to the safety of the ones he loves.

Giving credence to her argument, he gave his, "Facts have not played out on how my alternative self is responsible for why Nero has a personal vendetta against me in his time. But in our time, he made me see the destruction of my planet. I have been made responsible, Nyota. A debt that must be paid.

A horrified look came over her face. Then it turned to anger, finding that he was unmoved. She pulled herself out of his arms.

"You can't do this to me. Dammit, Spock you can't sacrifice yourself!"

I assure you, my K'diwa, I will use all my power to get back to you.

"But can your determination to live overcome Nero's determination to want you dead? I know you well enough that you already know the statistical probability of your succeeding. Tell me if you believe the chances are good that you will?

"I cannot."

She was justified in her beliefs. He could hurt her.

He held her again. She pounded her fist softly unto his chest. He responded by lowering his forehead to touch hers. Through their link he felt her still trying to implore him. All he could do was comfort her.

He kissed her cheek and inched tentatively to her mouth. He hung there gauging whether she would turn her head away but she did not. His eyes were open to check her face. Her eyes were open, waiting. His tongue explored her mouth. If death does comes it would be the taste of her that would linger until his last breath.

She was doing the same, making mental notes of him, stroking his hair, feeling the entire breadth of his back, looking at the flush of green under his skin and feeling the heat of him. After a few more minutes, they released each other.

"Please come back to me, Spock."

"I will. Thank you, Nyota."

**A/N: * telemetry -- I am not sure if this the actual word used in the movie.**

**I believe with Spock, still waters runs deep. He reads poetry and literature from Earth so he would not have problems creating some for Nyota. I am not a poet so forgive me.**

**I am please with how I am getting a handle on Nyota. She is hardest character for me. I believe I had gotten her to resemble not only the movie character but the tv character as well.**

**If I have gotten any of my research wrong, please let me know.**

**Again, please review.**


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